we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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