Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
