Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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