The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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