How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
