Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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