You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
