I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
