from now on my penis is your penis
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
