Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
