fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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