Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
