Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
