oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
