I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
