Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
