I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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