I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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