You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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