Don't make out with my wife yet
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You can't just leave with hair like that
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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