I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
