You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
