I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
