Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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