please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The beer is more important than you right now.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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