i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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