I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Randomize
