I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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