So drunk its hurt
My hand turned me down
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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