You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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