woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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