some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
