I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
