Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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