R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Pooping to opera.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
