video games are the ultimate cock blocker
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
