but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
