I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
