i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
