turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
