I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
