Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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