I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
