I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
