I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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