I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
