My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
