I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just had sex bonerless
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
