Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
