You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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