Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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